Narcissist father remarried, do I need to tell her: parenting advice.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

I’m pretty sure I know the answer here, but I need a quick sanity check. Growing up, my narcissistic father was emotionally abusive to me, my brother, and my mother. Brother and I are now in our early 30s, and our parents divorced explosively just before the pandemic. To make a long story short, my “pillar of the community” father was carrying on multiple long-term affairs, which I discovered when one of his mistresses called me out of the blue and told all. I told him he needed to come clean or I would tell, which he did, and now he blames me for the divorce. I got lots of therapy, and now I (as well as my mother and brother) are completely estranged from him aside from the occasional weird email.

Very soon after the divorce, my father married a woman who seems … lovely? I have never met her or talked to her. They are both in their 60s, so there are no obvious age/power dynamics. She has a unique and powerful life story that she speaks publicly about (think overcoming long odds), so I know a fair amount about her from a few quick Google searches. I’m worried about her. My father is an incredibly smart and charming man when he wants to be…

However, those closest to him eventually see his true colors: He is mean, controlling, self-absorbed, and has an explosive temper. He used to scream at me for hours for infractions like leaving a plate on the counter when I was a young teenager. If my mother tried to intervene, he’d just turn his temper on her.

Now that he’s been married to his new wife for a few years, there’s no way she hasn’t seen this side of him. I know he tells people we aren’t in touch anymore because my brother and I took my mom’s side in the divorce and “abandoned” him. Maybe I could send her an email telling her my truth, say this will be my last reach-out, and she could come to me at any time if she has questions? I’m aware there’s a good chance she’d share the email with my father, in which case he’d be pissed, but it’s not like there’s a relationship to save there anyway. I’m pretty sure the answer is to leave well enough alone, but I can’t stop thinking about my “stepmother.” Is there anything I can do here?

—To Tell or Not to Tell

Dear To Tell or Not to Tell,

It would be one thing to share these things with your father’s wife if you knew her at all, or even if you had an ongoing relationship with your dad. But given what you’ve shared, I personally would not write and fill her in on your side of things. As you point out, after years of marriage, she must be aware of what he’s like by now. It’s unlikely that your note would function as some sort of warning to her.

Technically, I suppose there’d be nothing wrong with sending her an email to say hi and introduce yourself, so she knows how to reach you should she ever want to. If she needs help, or decides to leave your father, I hope she’s not alone and finds all the support she needs from the people in her life. But you aren’t really part of her life, or your father’s. And I think you should probably only be in touch with your “stepmother” if you’re actually okay hearing from her, and, by extension, him—which it sounds like you’re not.

It’s kind of you to worry about her. It must be hard to know that your father hasn’t changed (narcissists rarely do) and is probably making life harder for someone else. But his actions, his messes, are not yours (or your brother’s or your mother’s) to fix, and there is a reason none of you have chosen to remain in contact with him. I’m worried that trying to inform his new wife of what you have been through would expose you all to more of your father’s toxicity, anger, and blame, and maybe not even do much to help her, if that is indeed what she needs.

—Nicole

My son is in third grade, and I’ve been very active in volunteering in the classroom. Halloween is on the horizon, and I’d like to plan a party for the class, but his teacher has told me she doesn’t need my help. Why won’t she accept my offer?